Time
It’s crazy how time can pass by and perspectives change. Being back in my parents house only sheds light on those things that I thought “was because of me” or “out of my control” or even “in my control.”
Firstly some things never change, no matter how much time passes. Worst is knowing that people might never change.
Secondly is seeing all the patterns in my life that caused me to be the way I was. I have a perfectionist nature because my mom taught me at a young age that everything I do would be wrong in some way or just wouldn’t compare to the way she would do it. My dad taught me that nothing i did was ever as important as what was going on in his life. He taught me that we would always be on two different pages, and though time i learned that it wasn’t that I was always on the wrong page, it’s just that we don’t know how to communicate to each other. Now when we argue I often see that we are arguing about two different main foundations, but he likes arguing so much that he doesn’t see that. He’d rather argue into a black void then see eye to eye on something with me. I taught myself by observation of being in this house that if that your saying isn’t be heard, you need to yell it. You need to talk over anyone and everyone repeatedly. They might not still see where you’re coming from, but they will get exhausted enough through the screaming match that it can end a conversation earlier than not. I learned that there is no sense on bitting your tongue, say what you want. Because my father will always think he knows more than me and is far more superior, even if it’s about a subject that he knows nothing about.
I wish I had a sibling sometimes, purely because maybe that’s what I needed. Sometime to go through this trauma with me. But maybe even my sibling wouldn’t have helped me fight those demons I had inside me.
A couple weeks ago I found this box with all my old journey and diaries. I think the most intense part of finding them was reading my High School journals. Freshman year of high school i had already wrote a will and had endless entires on how unhappy I was and felt like I wanted to die. Although I do not feel like harming myself ever again. I remember how deeply that feeling engulfed me when I was alone. How badly I wanted to die. I wanted to die for so many years, that I don’t know how i made it through that. I literally have no idea how I made it through my teen years, how I’m still standing here. Was that kind of depression even normal? I also wonder how that effected me as I am today. I pray that my future child never feels the emotions I did. But I will be a better parent to them then my father ever was to me. I would never let them feel like such a burden.
I wonder more then anything how far I would be in my life today, if I didn’t spend so much of my life trying to kill/harm myself.
I know it’s unfair to look at it that way. Making it through my demons and that part of my life made me who I am today. But I still can’t help but wonder.
An illustration of color heritability in sweet peas from Reginald Punnett’s 1911 book Mendelism.
Full text available here.
Gold ring decorated with vines and clusters of grapes, Greece, 400-300 BC
from The Royal Ontario Museum
it’s been awhile
I know you must think there has to be something going on in my life if I’m blogging because I only come one here now when something is going wrong. It feels like I’m visiting a school I don’t attend anymore, walking down this long hallway that’s completely deserted.
It’s 2022, made it through heartbreaks, teen years, so much trauma, suicide’s, a pandemic, people that shouldn’t have ever had time in life, people they stayed, people that now I don’t want to live without, it’s all so crazy. I feel like that same teenage girl right now, confused, somewhat lost and needing to yell into the abyss to feel something. I think that’s why blogging was held so close to my heart the first time. It’s back again as I navigate some new waters of my life. I hope you know blogging will now become a steady practice of my everyday life again because I need to stay sane.
Here’s what’s new: Moved back in with my parents (well in the process of moving back in), it’s weird to think I’m in my late 20′s moving back, if my mom wasn’t sick and didn’t need me to be present in her life, I don’t think I would be moving. But the fact is that she does need me, I need to be there for her as well. Being here will also give me the opportunity to get my life back on track. I really need to figure out what the fudge I’m doing because pre-pandemic caitlin was on a whole different playing field and me now? I’m richer in love and spirirt but finacially i’m worse off then I was before. The perspective I’ve gained has been everything though, but now I really need to figure out how to focus on the other gaps in my life to be at a place I want to be. In 3 or 6 months from now, I want to be a better space, that’s my only goal right now.
I will get there though, to the place I have in my head, or hey maybe even a place that’s better. I can feel it.
What’s crazy is reading one of my last blog posts and realizing that this might have just been in the plan all along. Leaving home, learning from it just to go back to my old roots and learn how to heal here.
Here goes another vent.
This whole month has been insane to say the least. I experienced two deaths, am in the process of changing my whole thinking and feel in general like I’m a different person creating a whole different life then who I was before.
One big thing that has been on my mind lately is my environment. My living space has been very … interesting as my Roomate has had her boyfriend live with us for the past like 6/7 months. It started as something that was really never asked if I was okay with, he just started sleeping over every night for weeks turned into months, then turned into something that was “temporary” or at least that’s what I was told and then finally after months of it kind of being confusing. I told her he needed to pay rent. I mean it’s weird, to think he just lived with us for like 5 months rent free. Now he’s like officially a Roomate and like, I don’t know. He’s a cool guy don’t get me wrong, and my Roomate is in love and their relationship is healthy and I’m happy for her BUT I just didn’t want to live with a guy and I’m being realistic and mature about the whole thing. I want to be clear about that, I really am and I think I’ve been every accepting about the whole situation and like it hurts my feelings to know that if I wasn’t okay with it, that she would have moved out and found a place with him. Yes, she literally said she would have moved out and found a place with him. But now it’s like 12:58 am and laying awake in bed, back into my same thinking of, maybe I should just move into my parents house? Maybe I should just move back, save my money, and wait untill next year when I can move out with my boyfriend, have a cute apartment, a dog, the life I’ve always wanted to live. I would save a lot of money not paying rent. I would be able to spend more time with my mom. I would be able to just breathe to be honest. Breathe and focus on saving money and being a better me. It’s just hard because I left in order to have freedom. In order to get away from my dad and his toxicity. His annoying ways and habits that would drive me insane. In order to stop hearing my parents fighting and to be able to live life however I want. I love my room, my hardwood floors, being so close to third Avenue and being able to do whatever I want. But at what price you know? I feel so uncomfortable sometimes, I feel like it’s impossible to save money and I hate the feeling of having to hide in my room. I really just don’t know what to do. But right now I feel like my mind and thoughts are telling me “go back home” “go back home so you can become better and then go back out into the world and try again”
I haven’t vented on here in awhile. I guess I always find myself on tumblr whenever I’m going through it. Well todays news is, I think i want to move to nyc. I can’t shake this feeling but the question is will I act on it? Being there I was the most Inspired and creative that I felt in such a long time. Being back in San Diego, back in routine I want nothing more then to feel New York again and be the person I felt like I was there. I just want to quit my Job and move and just try something different. Something so outside of my comfort zone. I guess only time will show what the universe has in store. ✨
geniusname
